Part II: The Negative Impacts of Shame and How to Overcome Them
This blog is a follow-up to Part 1: The Power of Vulnerability. If you have not yet read part one, I’d urge you to do so before continuing on.
Inadequate. Inferior. Useless. Regret. These are the feelings of shame. As a Hermosa Beach therapist, I am familiar with the powerful effects of shame as a potent, painful and toxic emotion. It is an emotional response at the root of low self-esteem. Many counselors believe that shame is the origin of dysfunction in families and that all reckless behaviors are reactions to it.
In Brene Brown’s powerful Ted Talk about the power of vulnerability, she discusses vulnerability as “the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love”. In contrast, she claims that shame is an emotion that prohibits us from being vulnerable. Let’s explore this in greater depth.
Shame vs. Vulnerability
Shame often materializes when we feel emotionally vulnerable about something and think that others have the ability to judge us, and ultimately attack and reject us. Shaming makes us feel powerless to act and express ourselves. You want to run outside and kick your heels in the air and shout about your day, but you stop yourself because you think about someone telling you not to be childish; you want to strive to succeed or speak your mind about something, but you worry about people saying you’re not good enough or criticizing you. Shame becomes internalized as that inner voice that repeats painful things that others have said in the past: you’re stupid, lazy, mean, or just not good enough.
On the opposite end of the spectrum – vulnerability is essential in most close relationships – being able to be yourself, let go of your inhibitions and act free from social limitations or anyone else’s code of conduct. Shame squashes any chance that we can show our vulnerability – a willingness to show up and let ourselves be fully seen. How can others really know us if we are constantly afraid of what people might see?
Those who feel shame have negative, false beliefs about their basic abilities and worth. Shame hurts your self-image, your belief that you can change things you don’t like about yourself or your situation. Where guilty people believe they DID something wrong; shameful people believe they just ARE wrong. Unlike productive guilt, shame doesn’t go away after we’ve taken responsibility for our mistakes. In fact, it often gets worse in time, hitting us in triggered waves, sometimes for years, sometimes for our entire lives. Unlike guilt, shame is something you will likely never talk to others about.
Causes Of Shame
There can be many underlying causes for the experience of shame, but one thing is for certain, there is almost always a “shamer”. The shaming could have happened early in life, or more recently, with a family member, spouse, or employer. Shaming experiences are also very individualized – in that what might shame you, may not shame me. We find certain things shameful based on our own lives and experiences. Having said that, here are a few potential causes that could result in shame:
- Frequent criticism from a significant person in your life (spouse, parent, adult, child, sibling, or supervisor.)
- Lack of respect in a relationship.
- Someone in your life that continually tries to make himself or herself look good at your expense.
- Being publicly ridiculed by someone significant in your life.
- You believe (real or not) that you are inferior in a competitive situation.
- You anticipate being viewed as inadequate or inferior, whether it’s intellect, appearance or sexual performance, which leads to low self-esteem. Once low self-esteem forms, you can become hypersensitive, experiencing “self-esteem attacks” that take the form of embarrassment or shame.
- An emotional response in adult children of alcoholic parents, as well as those who grew up with depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, or adult or sibling death. All of these experiences cause an individual to feel vulnerable, helpless and shamed.
- The feeling that we are off-track based on our own expectations of ideal selves – who we think we should be in our careers, family life, financial stability, etc.
- One study found the major causes of shame in women are feelings of unattractiveness or perceived failures in personal relationships. For men, shame came from feelings of sexual inadequacy.
Effects of Shame
Shame can become an integral part of your self-image or sense of self-worth, leading you to feel like your whole self is flawed, bad or unwanted. Unfortunately, these effects are so powerful that they can easily be passed on to others, making shame a continuous cycle.
- Withdrawing, avoiding social interactions
- Ruined relationship, blaming or denigrating others serves to disown what the shameful person feels
- Avoiding intimacy
- Addictions
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Intense anger
- Social phobias
- Eating disorders
- Domestic violence
- Substance abuse
- Road rage
- Schoolyard and workplace rampages
- Sexual offenses
- A host of other personal and social problems.
How to Overcome Shame
In my Hermosa Beach practice, I frequently work with clients to address the underlying causes and negative impact of shame. The first step to overcoming shame is always calling it out. Name the shame. Talk about it with people you trust because shame only works when it keeps you thinking that you’re all alone. Talk about your feelings, ask for what you need – doing this can help you understand what makes you have feelings of shame and be more aware when feelings of shame is triggered.
Also, work at creating an environment of transparency, patience and forgiveness. Risk being vulnerable, being yourself – whatever imperfections that might entail. Don’t try to explain, defend, or deny, just tell the truth about who you are, where you’ve been, what you’ve learned, how you feel, and what you want. Revealing all of your vulnerabilities to others will help you feel empowered and liberated.
Want To Talk More?
Needing an unbiased person to talk to is nothing to be ashamed of either. Dr. Kelly Mothner is an experienced counselor in Hermosa Beach, California, and welcomes your calls and visits. Contact her at (310) 892-2572 and set up your first meeting. Chances are you will feel much better about yourself and your relationships with others.